Why I love my job....Reason #225

Okay, I know you are all sick of hearing this but.....I LOVE my job!  The reasons are countless but let me give you one more of them.

As most of you know, I am part of a wonderful organization called Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep or NILMDTS for short.  NILMDTS is a non-profit organization of photographers that provide portraits for families experiencing the loss of a baby.  We go to the hospitals, do a professional portrait session and give them the fully edited disk at no charge.  (Look them up at http://www.nilmdts.org/ and make a donation!)  Through this organization I have met many families dealing with the worst nightmare a parent can face, the loss of a child.  They have not only lost their baby but all the hopes, dreams and expectations that you begin building the second you learn you are pregnant.  They are hurting and they are lost.  I meet them briefly, try to give them a small window of light through photographing their precious love and then I go back to my life and they are left in the wreckage of theirs.  I think about them all of the time, especially on the yearly anniversaries but I usually do not hear from them again aside of a thank you card.  Like ships passing through the night I meet these strangers, spend a small anguished moment with them at one of the most crushing moments of their life and then that is it.  As I sit here typing these memories keep flooding in of moments I have spent with these families.  I have been there when their babies drew their last breath and the doctor pronounced the time of death, I have stood humbled watching as these new mommys dress their babies for the first and the only time.  I have cried with them and I have never forgotten them.

Last HalloweenI received the call about the NILMDTS shoot.  I grabbed my camera and my helper, Heather, and headed out.  The baby's name was Kaylee, a beautiful baby girl and the second child lost to these parents.  I spent some time photographing the adorable love they had for this baby.  When I left I did not expect to hear from them again.
This past week I received an email from them.  After another baby lost in March, God blessed them with a beautiful baby boy on Christmas Eve.  I was honored when they asked me to photograph him. 
This is why I love my job.  I love the families I photograph and the relationships we form.  I love when their kids give me hugs and they share their joys with me.  I love photographing a baby and then being invited to the baby showers of the second baby soon to come.  I love hearing their stories and I love sharing my love of photography with them by chronicling their lives.

The last time I left this family they were hurting and shell shocked.  Yesterday they left my studio beaming, proud and totally smitten with their ten pound bundle of love.  Truly God is good.  And truly being able to share such joy makes this the best job in the world!

Welcome to the World Little One! 

Desperately Seeking My Babies!!

On the evening of my third son's fifteenth birthday I am sitting here confused, proud and sad. I am proud of the man my sweet, blond haired, blue eyed baby is becoming, confused by how fast it has all happened and saddened at the loss of yet another baby as he hurdles to adulthood. I am also saddened by how much I can't remember about the process. I look back through old photos and my heart skips a beat when I see certain things that are now lost forever...that look of amazement that would skitter across his face when he saw something new, those sweet blond curls now darkened and cut short. My Nicholas. Some things stand out in my mind. I remember the funny way he used to talk. Blake was the only one who could understand him and he would play interpreter for us. Nicholas would say, "boird" for "bird" and he would trill his lips when he said, "French Fries" in a way no one else in the family could quite imitate. He was always smart as a whip and we had him programming the VCR when he was three. To this day he is the go to guy for all technical questions. Nicholas has always had a calm way about him, so much so that he is often lost in the shuffle of this tumultuous household. He always just does what he is supposed to do, no arguments, no hassles.

He has always been amazingly close to his younger brother and is only now starting to pull away from Evan. And although I know this separation is normal and inevitable it pains me to see how much it is hurting Evan.
Nicholas was born six months before my father died. I found my father dead of a heart attack right before Mother's Day and I must admit it threw my life into a tailspin. I began having panic attacks and was thrown into such a deep depression that I just couldn't see my way out. Because of this I always felt like I missed out on the beginning of Nicholas' life, that I cheated him. So much of his first couple of years are lost in the darkness of those days. I spent so much time trying to forget the darkness that I let go of alot of the light as well. (Thank God for Prozac!)

I guess that is one of my true regrets. That I did not stop and savor those moments. That it seems like everything became a step toward another. Nothing was ever IN and OF itself. Hurry and get them dressed so we can eat breakfast. Hurry and eat breakfast so we can go to the store. Hurry and get through the store so we can fix lunch. Hurry, hurry, hurry! How many times have I told them to, "Hurry Up!"? Why was I always in such a hurry? Now I spend all of my time wishing I could slow it all back down.

My beautiful fair haired angel is now all grown up and ready to get his permit and seriously! I miss that baby! But you know what? Tonight I hung out with my boy. And I was in no hurry. We went and found him a new phone for his birthday and then went to dinner, just the two of us. And though he probably thought it was a normal, fairly boring evening, it was anything but to me. I was in no hurry. I sat with him and I watched him and I enjoyed him. Tonight was IN and OF itself and I was there in the moment, all of me. I love that kid. I love him inside and outside, backwards and forwards, upside down and all around. He has been a part of me for a mere fifteen years yet I love him timelessly, endlessly. I am looking forward to meeting the man he will become but I am in no hurry I think I will just try and enjoy every moment of this boy who is now fifteen.