Desperately Seeking My Babies!!

On the evening of my third son's fifteenth birthday I am sitting here confused, proud and sad. I am proud of the man my sweet, blond haired, blue eyed baby is becoming, confused by how fast it has all happened and saddened at the loss of yet another baby as he hurdles to adulthood. I am also saddened by how much I can't remember about the process. I look back through old photos and my heart skips a beat when I see certain things that are now lost forever...that look of amazement that would skitter across his face when he saw something new, those sweet blond curls now darkened and cut short. My Nicholas. Some things stand out in my mind. I remember the funny way he used to talk. Blake was the only one who could understand him and he would play interpreter for us. Nicholas would say, "boird" for "bird" and he would trill his lips when he said, "French Fries" in a way no one else in the family could quite imitate. He was always smart as a whip and we had him programming the VCR when he was three. To this day he is the go to guy for all technical questions. Nicholas has always had a calm way about him, so much so that he is often lost in the shuffle of this tumultuous household. He always just does what he is supposed to do, no arguments, no hassles.

He has always been amazingly close to his younger brother and is only now starting to pull away from Evan. And although I know this separation is normal and inevitable it pains me to see how much it is hurting Evan.
Nicholas was born six months before my father died. I found my father dead of a heart attack right before Mother's Day and I must admit it threw my life into a tailspin. I began having panic attacks and was thrown into such a deep depression that I just couldn't see my way out. Because of this I always felt like I missed out on the beginning of Nicholas' life, that I cheated him. So much of his first couple of years are lost in the darkness of those days. I spent so much time trying to forget the darkness that I let go of alot of the light as well. (Thank God for Prozac!)

I guess that is one of my true regrets. That I did not stop and savor those moments. That it seems like everything became a step toward another. Nothing was ever IN and OF itself. Hurry and get them dressed so we can eat breakfast. Hurry and eat breakfast so we can go to the store. Hurry and get through the store so we can fix lunch. Hurry, hurry, hurry! How many times have I told them to, "Hurry Up!"? Why was I always in such a hurry? Now I spend all of my time wishing I could slow it all back down.

My beautiful fair haired angel is now all grown up and ready to get his permit and seriously! I miss that baby! But you know what? Tonight I hung out with my boy. And I was in no hurry. We went and found him a new phone for his birthday and then went to dinner, just the two of us. And though he probably thought it was a normal, fairly boring evening, it was anything but to me. I was in no hurry. I sat with him and I watched him and I enjoyed him. Tonight was IN and OF itself and I was there in the moment, all of me. I love that kid. I love him inside and outside, backwards and forwards, upside down and all around. He has been a part of me for a mere fifteen years yet I love him timelessly, endlessly. I am looking forward to meeting the man he will become but I am in no hurry I think I will just try and enjoy every moment of this boy who is now fifteen.