"Okay, it is time and I can do this!" So I have been chanting to myself over and over the past few months leading up to the inevitable Family Christmas Card Session of Terror! This year is a special one because my oldest children no longer have braces and my youngest one gets them on the first of the year. Therefore this year I am going to do a large wall portrait. Piece of cake, right? I mean, after all this is what I do all day every day.
Flashback to the Rich Christmas Card Sessions of the Past....sort of like the ghosts of Christmas Past foretold Ebeneezer's future these past sessions should have given me a clue that my expectations were too high. After all we always have to alert the neighbors when we are going to do the session so they don't panic when they hear screams, yelling, tears and possibly see the SWAT team swarming the house. They can just shrug it off and say, "It's okay to stay outside, honey. That is just Ms. Rich attempting to photograph her children again".
But I was determined!! This was THE year!! I knew the look I wanted, Black on Black. I bought all of the boy's shirts a month ago, had them try them on and then hid them at the studio so I would not have any clothing woes. I told all of them over and over what time the photos were to be taken...noon on Sunday, noon on Sunday, noon on Sunday...they should have it hammered in by now. "Alex, don't forget the photos are noon tomorrow". "Alex, don't forget the photos are noon tomorrow". "Alex, don't forget the photos are noon tomorrow". "MOM!! I know!!! Stop that! You are driving me crazy! How could I possibly forget as you have said nothing else to me for weeks!" "That's fine Alex, I love you! Don't forget the photos are noon tomorrow".
I go to bed feeling pretty confident. After all everything is prepared and ready to go!
Wake up and it all goes downhill from there. I had some kind of allergic reaction to the garland's I was hanging and broke out in hives and scratched until I bled. And let me just say that I don't get pimples. I have never had pimples. Even as a teen I had a smooth complexion but I wake up with a pimple the size of Rhode Island on the side of my nose. "Don't sweat it" I tell myself. After all I have mad photoshop skills! So I am looking in the mirror to try put some cover up on the massive mountain on my face when I notice not only the mountain but all of the new craters. I look like the freaking lunar landscape! When in the world did I get so old?? Seriously!
No time for worries, just round up the kids. So off I go. My eldest son, Alex, is MIA. So I start calling everyone he has ever known looking for him. Of course it is before eleven so none of his friends are alive yet and I can't find him. I call my daughter and tell her to take her time getting here as I am searching for her brother. Finally I find him at 12:15 and tell him to hurry and get home. Should I tell him now that as far as I am concerned he needs to find another home? No, that must wait until after pictures. Yelling at number one son is not conducive to a pleasant photo shoot. So I bite my tongue, tell him to get in the shower and that I will meet them all at the studio.
Just a little bit longer and then all of this will be behind me! I can do it! I can do it!!
Kids come in and I glance up at Alex, determined not to yell when I notice the three day old stubble all over his beautiful face! He says, "I didn't think it looked that bad." Maybe to a homeless person! I sent the husband off for shaving cream and razor. Things are definitely not looking good.
I start wondering why I bother! Why do people do this? Why go through this just for a photo? UGH! I hate this, I hate photos, I hate my job, I am quitting!
Finally everyone is dressed and ready. I start arranging them. Chelsey is determined to get a good photo. Alex is rolling his eyes and fuming. Blake is looking at me with a look of total boredom. Evan is on a sugar high and Nicholas is just enjoying the show.
"Smile"! I get grimaces. "Come on guys! I just need one good photo." Fakest smiles I have ever seen. I get frustrated and I become the parent that I hate to have walk into my studio. I start yelling. Okay, I know this does not help. I KNOW THIS but I just can NOT seem to shut my mouth! Now I am mad at them and mad at myself. This is not going well. It never goes well. Why can't they just pretend that we are a happy and fully functioning family for five minutes??? WOULD IT BE SO HARD????? Jeez!
So now I start to cry. This makes everyone mad at Alex who they blame for the whole fiasco. They all start yelling at each other. Alex's sole defender, Blake, is screaming at everyone that they are being mean to Alex. I go in my office and cry. Alex comes in and says to come out and lets just finish. I yell, "Just forget it!" and he storms out of the studio, slamming the door which breaks the door lock. Now my husband has to go get tools and a new door handle and spends the next two hours working on this.
Sigh....seriously! This is why you should never photograph your own children. Especially my children. The signs were there all along. Allen Griggs still talks about the time Blake just threw a total melt down temper tantrum at his studio. I mean how many children has Allen photographed? Thousands? Yet MY child is the one who sticks out in his mind? When I took the kids to Annie's Photography for Easter Bunny photos she told me that one of them was threatening the Easter Bunny's life!! So why am I always surprised when these photo sessions always disolve into a nuclear melt down?
Anyway, here I am at the end of the day. I feel terrible about the whole day. I did everything wrong and now none of my kids are talking to each other and the air is heavy with regrets. Especially mine. I could have handled the session way better and gotten an entirely different result....maybe.
Sigh,,,,Yet another failed Christmas Session. Maybe the worst one in recent memory.
Do you think I should try again next weekend or just have myself committed?
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